Pain Hours

Between 11 and Whenever I Finally Fall Asleep

I am taking my second and final round of pain meds at 10:58 after failing to fall asleep for an hour and thirty minutes. I am watching the time and getting worried about whether I will make it to my 9:30 class tomorrow. My head pounds and it probably (definitely) doesn’t help that I’m looking at a screen to write this. This is what I call Pain Hours, and they always seem to come at night. I have pain during the day certainly, and sometimes it’s just as bad, sometimes worse, sometimes better but it isn’t the same during the day. It’s not as raw, not as vulnerable. The light shines on it on the day making it visible in a way that the darkness makes this pain want to hide. No, Pain Hours happen at night.

I’ve been on a good streak lately, which makes tonight’s Pain Hours so particularly nasty. I blame the weather, the sudden shift to storms. It’s usually a cause of migraines for me. I’ve been good, taking my preventative dutifully and getting extra naps and yet here’s those break-throughs. They’re vicious when they come. That baseline pain of three or four rising sharply to a seven or eight to sitting nicely at a six at best. If I can sleep through it, it’ll settle at a five. At eleven o’clock with another round of pain meds that make me worry for my liver even though I’m 24 we’re at a solid seven. Solid seven is good, there’s no approaching an eight, even if the shores of six aren’t in sight. If I can get it down to a six by tomorrow morning I should be able to go to class.

That’s gross, having to go to class in that much pain, but I’m trying to get into grad school and attendance really matters right now. The professor who teaches that class could possibly be the one looking over my application and I really don’t want to miss extra days and thinking about all of this is going to make my heart hurt worse. Okay topic change.

Usually my cats cuddle me when I’m not feeling well. They know something’s off. Tonight I’m alone. I wonder if it’s because I got up to take pain meds, moved around too much. Regardless I’m a bit sad at the empty side but I’ll make due. I’ll cuddle a stuffed animal instead. I find myself grabbing a polar bear, perfect huggable size. Something nice to squeeze if the pain gets too bad.

I’m not exactly sure what I’ll get from recording this time period, these Pain Hours, if any of it would even be tangible to post much less read back later. I’ve never tried writing during times like these. I usually don’t like writing when I know my brain isn’t top tier because I know my writing isn’t as good as it could be. But maybe I’ll still get something from this, even if it isn’t perfect. Maybe I’ll get a raw look at what those Pain Hours look like, at what 11 pm laying in my bed looks like, at what recovery and relapse and waiting on doctors who don’t have any damn openings for months looks like.

I really don’t want to go to class tomorrow. That’s the main thought on my mind. I’m fairly drugged up, on three different nights meds plus the pain meds. Technically all of the night meds have the capacity to make me drowsy but one is to help me sleep. It’s for anxiety because I tend to just lay in bed ruminating over thoughts. Which is a bit what I’m doing now, but I’m more pain-ruminating. Pain-thinking. Usually it’s just anxiety. This time it’s pain tinged. The meds don’t touch this. That’s why I took the pain meds. It’ll still take a half hour for them to kick in, assuming that they work.

Assuming that they work.

I was hoping to not take them tonight. I’ve been taking my as-needed a lot and it can be bad for my body if I take them too often. I was once advised to go to the hospital if I needed to take them more than twice a month so I could get a higher level of care. If I did that I’d be in the hospital every month. I’d probably go every week. That just isn’t realistic for me. So I try to avoid taking my as-needed as much as I can and I count that as the next best thing. I still take them too much.

So for now there’s Pain Hours. The time before the pain meds kick in in this limbo after sleep meds where I think all these thoughts with this level seven pain in my head. You might think it sounds pretty miserable. It is.

Originally posted on substack 2/19/2026. link.